Here’s a tip: You can cut up your own food. What are you, three years old?
There is nothing wrong with asking for your sandwich to be cut in half at a sandwich place. There is something wrong with you asking for your food to be cut up into bite-sized pieces when you aren’t old, disabled, or otherwise unable to do so yourself. In the past month I have had the following requests:
1) A middle-aged gentleman didn’t want a salad; he wanted just tomatoes and cucumbers. Normally we don’t do that since it costs the restaurant more than a salad does, but I decided to accommodate him. Then he asked me to please make the veggies diced. We do not keep diced tomatoes or cucumbers and I told him so. He said very matter-of-factly, “Okay. So you’ll cut them up then.” He later cut up his entrée just fine by himself, so I know he could have cut his own vegetables.
2) An elderly lady who looked like she might have the beginning stages of Parkinson’s asked if I would cut up the veggies and lettuce in her salad so she wouldn’t have to.
3) A mom wanted me to cut up her child’s chicken breast into small pieces. At the table. Right then.
Which of those three does not belong? That’s right: number two is a legitimate request, and one that I fulfilled happily even though it cost me several minutes of precious time during the dinner rush. I have sympathy for those who have medical problems or are simply getting older, and I don’t mind doing favors like that. People who can do it themselves? Fuck that, it pisses me the hell off. When you have perfectly functioning arms, there is no reason to ask the server to cut shit up for you. It wastes my time that I could be using to get bread refills, drink refills, napkins, sauces…I could be walking food, helping my coworkers, or expo’ing food from the line. But you want me to cut your food, which is something you are more than capable of. Right. Great.
Numbers 1 and 3 could have (and should have) just cut their own shit. Especially number 3. Your child and your child’s food are your responsibility, not mine. I know you want to start eating your food right now, but that is YOUR kid, which means you need to take care of him. I don’t have kids right now for a reason: I don’t want to have to take care of another human being. If you’re going to be an ass about the cutting up of the food, at least request it when you order the food so I don’t have to stand at the table like an idiot, cutting your child’s food because you decided it wasn’t something you felt like doing.
I also hate it when people want the server to crack the crab and just bring them the meat. Technically, we have to do it when it’s requested, but it sucks. It takes me about 5 minutes to crack a half pound of crab, less if the meat is nice and slides right out. I once had a lady that wanted two pounds of it cracked and brought to the table. FUCK THAT. I have other shit to do, bitch. The AC sure isn’t going to do it for me – he has to keep expo’ing food. It falls to me, and I still have to wait on your ass and three other parties too. I do not want to waste 20 minutes of my time doing something you can do but choose not to because it’s “too much work.” If it’s too much work, don’t order crab. Or order something with crab already in it, like crab linguini alfredo. Christ.
I am not a server; I am an adult babysitter. I must be, otherwise who the fuck would think to ask these things?? Like I said – medical or physical limitations make these requests okay. But if you can do it yourself, just fucking do it. It will keep you from overloading your server which prevents the service from suffering for you and everyone else.