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I’m a recent college graduate who used to wait tables to pay for living expenses.  I’m married to the best husband I could ask for and we share a fur-baby Schnauzer. I posted on this blog for 2 1/2 years while I waited tables, and now I work for people who appreciate me and treat me decently. It’s a nice change.

I started waiting tables in 2006, my senior year of high school.  I started off at a tiny family-owned Italian restaurant.  Well, let me clarify: the owners weren’t Italian, but pretended they were. And truth be told, their food tasted great.  The best moment was having a true Italian visit the restaurant.  He proclaimed that the food was excellent, but was disappointed to meet the owner.  The owner insisted he was Italian even though he couldn’t carry on a conversation with his guest in his “native” language.  Yeesh.

I moved from there to a Mexican food restaurant where the food was excellent but the management left something to be desired.  Oh, it wasn’t always like that.  Corporate just decided to boot out the good managers and hire some that stole liquor, alienated the employees, and showed major favoritism.  I decided to move to Chili’s and ended up loving my managers and the store; however, upon my transfer to my college town store, things again turned to shit and I opted to leave rather than remain miserable.  The last place I worked was Red Lobster, sometimes called Blue Crustacean in my posts. I didn’t want to get found out and fired for specifically mentioning the Lob, but now that I’ve quit I really don’t care.

This was a place for me to bitch.  Usually I bitched about customers.  Sometimes I bitched about management, and sometimes about coworkers.  Despite my bitching on this blog, I did my job well and did not express my frustration with others while on the clock.  I am not being cocky when I say I was a good waitress; hundreds of guests who complimented me seem like enough proof.  Many told me I was the best they’ve encountered.  I don’t have to pretend to love my job to be good at it, nor must I refrain from bitching about it to continue to be good at it. I’m just smart and pretended to love my job while I’m on the clock, and only bitched about things on this blog. I was sick of everyone’s shit and need some way to vent.  Otherwise a customer might have found a fork lodged in his eyeball.

I’m very happy with my new job. New posts will appear on my personal blog, fmtlife.wordpress.com. Thanks for visiting and I hope my posts convey something worthwhile to you.

27 responses to “About

  1. Hey just added you to my blogroll! Great post!
    Blair @ Stuck Serving

  2. Just found you through The Slightly Cranky Server. Keep ranting cuz you crack me up.

  3. Awesome site, you’re posts are great.

    I added you to the blog roll on my site that also shares nightmarish stories from the service industry, http://www.servernightmares.com/

    A link back would be great!

    Keep ranting.

  4. Happy 21st birthday! Hope you’re out having fun.

    • Fuck My Table

      Thanks! I’m at home, about to go to bed right now…but when I’m up in the morning (afternoon!) the day will be fun!

  5. Katie Fruscione

    I’m a 54 yr. old ex-waitress/bartender, mom/grandma, going back to school (laid off), and going to have to go back into the service sector: you go girl! Leave all the “fuck”s in, and anything else you’ve got, it keeps it real. You have quite a writing talent! Good luck to you, and thanks for the smiles.

    • Fuck My Table

      Best of luck to you in school, and my condolences on having to get back in the service sector. Keep reading, and I’d love to hear from you about your experiences as you’re adjusting to your new job(s) of work and school!

      And thanks – I get the occasional admonishment for cursing so frequently, but I figure that’s how I feel and think, so it can’t be all bad if I want any voice in my entries! To have a grandmother tell me to keep saying “fuck”…well, I think that is the final word on the matter! :-)

  6. adding you to my blogroll!

  7. Matt

    Great zombie Jesus is this a great blog. Having worked fast food and waited tables I commiserate with everything here. I was lucky enough to have managers who had worked their way up, and kept punching bags in the stock room. This blog is so cathartic and brings back so many memories.

    Thanks for stopping by, and I hope to see more comments from you in the future. I’m glad this blog touches so many people, because it often feels like we’re alone out there on the floor. ;)

  8. Dear FMT,
    You tell it like it is and I like that very much. I’ve passed your site off to more of those who can further appreciate your experience, comments and insight. Waiterworld and Server not Servant. Wishing you every success,
    Pen ~ Serve Me Well

    Thanks very much and I hope to see you around!

  9. Oh my gosh I just found this and am obsessed! I’ve also been in the restaurant biz forever. We’ve all got stories. Instead of writing a server blog I decided to just post my diary from when I was young. It’s traumatizing. Check it out if you ever get a chance. Looking forward to the updates!


  10. Historically Crazy

    Hi there! I enjoy reading your blog and I try to keep it in mind when I go out for meals. I do have one question that bugs me and my boyfriend. When we order to go and pick it up, should we be tipping the person working to go? We’re never sure, and don’t want to be rude.

    First, I thank you for reading and for for keeping my posts in mind when dining out. Thank you, thank you! :)

    At my restaurant, the to-go person is paid minimum wage plus tips. I suggest tipping them anyway, though, because they are the sole person responsible for putting your order together correctly. It is quite a lot of work, but most people think the to-go fairy does everything and the person you see is only there to collect your money. No, no; they do everything.
    If they bring your food to my car, I tip at least another dollar out of appreciation for the convenience of not being made to get out of my car.

    Of course, tipping is always up to your discretion…but a dollar or two as a tip to your to-go person is always appreciated.
    And if you ever order one of the god-awful “party platters”, PLEASE tip them extra because those are the biggest pains in the ass EVER.

    • you know

      Not only do we put your order together by ourselves, we’re responsible for answering the phones, taking orders from every customer that comes through the to-go door, while also expediting the food for every server, every table and every customer (including speaking Spanish to keep the cooks in line) for minimum wage. Please tip the to-go person, she will remember you, one way or another. We have bills to pay too. :)

  11. Hi, I have been reading your blog for quite some time now and just decided to follow you on twitter. You’re hilarious, keep up the good work!

    Thanks so much! I hope to see you again in the comments! :)

  12. Yeah I’m trying to figure the twitter bit as well but for now you’re blogrolled! Enjoy the new place!

  13. I love you blog. I just started mine. I’ve been doing the resturant/bar thing for about 11 years, so I have a lot of shit to get off my chest. Any help you could give me I would really apprieciate. Thanks.

  14. Great Blog! Thanks for adding me to your roll. Been receiving a lot of traffic from your site. When I have more time to breath, have a life again, I will be updating my blog and will add you to the list.

    Thanks much! Looking forward to seeing updates from you!

  15. “Blue Crustacean” servers unite! My fiance linked me to your blog. I’ve been with Schmarden for a little over 8 years- if you get used to rolling with company policy/changes, you’ll be fine. Keep up the shiney blogging! :D

  16. I been in the industry for bout 10 years or so but not a server I am a cook, and you know what really pisses me off is when there is only 5 minutes left it is 12:55am and guess what kitchen is cleaned, flat top is scrubbed, open pit is shut down everything but the friers. Ohh wait these drunk bastards decide they wanna order 1 of everything off the menu and guess what now I was supposed to be out of the kitchen buy 1:10-1:20 am… I am now bitching, fucking everyone in sight cause it is now 2:30 am and the kitchen needs 20 more minutes till clean.

  17. Always get a kick out of reading your updates. Just added you to my blogroll!

    Thanks; I’ll check out your blog!

  18. Kassie

    Just found your blog, it makes my life! I’m a senior in college/hostess at a crazy busy restaurant and everyday brings new difficult customers. At my restaurant, hostesses have to bus and reset tables, which is okay because we get tips (not much, but some tips is better than none). I am lucky to work in a restaurant that has a really great staff, so I love everybody I work with, but the customers we have often come riding in on a VERY high horse. Got to love being treated as an idiot. Oh she’s a hostess? She must be dumb, only have a high school diploma, and how about I make her my verbal punching bag?
    Why can’t I seat you at that table? Well, first of all there’s this thing called rotation, and I’m trying to be fair to all the servers, duh, they aren’t just serving for shits and giggles, they have bills to pay, but sure, you don’t have to sit at the two-top booth for your party of two, please, take the four top, and of course, you can have black linens instead of white, I’ll be right back with those, after I go tell one server that I’ve fucked her out of a table, and another that I just double sat him.

    I am going to love getting updates from your blog! (:

    Thanks for reading! I suggest starting at the beginning and working your way forward. I’m not as angry as I used to be, in part because I got out of the Chili’s Shithole. I still hate my customers, though, so I hope my posts bring you some form of catharsis since you’re dealing with the same shit too! :) Looking forward to seeing you in the comments again – I love hearing readers’ stories too.

  19. javaj240

    I nominated you for a “Tell Me About Yourself” award! Check it out here:

  20. Love your blog FMT, you are probably too busy to accept it, but I just wanted to give you this award. You never cease to entertain and amuse!


    Thanks for the award; however, I just completed a similar award and feel that it would be just more of the same from me. I do appreciate the gesture, though!

  21. Love the website! I’m writing because our web series “The Club” might be something you’d enjoy – it’s a really sardonic behind-the-scenes look at waitressing set at a posh country club. My wife created the show based on her years of waiting tables in the ’90s.

    If you get a chance, check out our website and watch the trailer (episodes are on there, too). We’d love to hear what you what you think.


    I’ll check it out – if you don’t hear from me by the end of the week, please remind me!

  22. I love you and your excessive use of the word “fuck”

    I prefer “lavish” to “excessive”. After all, it’s only excessive if it’s too much, right? ;)

  23. m

    Ran across an item in a holiday catalog that I received the other day that made me think of you and your blog.


    One may not be enough. :)

    I love that website. Most of it’s too expensive for my taste but it’s fun to look!
    I think I’d need about ten of these just for starters.

  24. Too bad you apparently have gotten out of the business.

    Waiters will always complain that they don’t make the kind of tips that they want. But they fail to realize that only by making your guests feel special, feel as if THEIR enjoyment is YOUR primary concern, will you make the big tips. All else is not important.

    How do I say this nicely…? You’re a fucking moron. If you read my blog at all you would know that I do (did) go above and beyond to take care of my guests. When I fucked up I owned up to it. And people will still tip like shit. Quit acting like I am the only factor in my earnings. I give (gave) my best and still got shat on. Know why? Because the best service in world often meets the cheapest assholes on the planet.

    BTW, your link was removed because there will be no linking to your fucking blog in my fucking comments. Asshole.

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