Tuesday Tips (for Twits) #74

Here’s a tip: We do not have replicators. Not yet, anyway.

Someone has to make your fucking food. That means that when I take your drink order, I must go make your fucking drinks. At Red Lobster, I take your food order and then have to go make your fucking complimentary salads. It takes a long fucking time if I do it correctly by using tongs or gloves. I could bring it quicker if I used my bare hands, but out of respect for you (and local health code) I do things the right way. So don’t fucking bitch at me when I come back with your salads that, “it took a long time.”

No fucking shit, dumbasses. You dragged seven people into my section, wasted ten minutes trying to figure out what you wanted to order while simultaneously insisting you were ready to order. It takes a long fucking time to take your order, so I must quickly stop by my other tables and make sure they’re alright. Then I put in your order as quickly as fucking possible, because I want you out of my fucking section. I have to make your salads at lightning speed so that everything is timed correctly and you have time to finish your salads before your meal arrives.

Make no mistake; I am working my fucking ass off to make your shit and get it on your table. Don’t you dare look at me and say, “It took long enough.” The food doesn’t just fucking materialize in the kitchen window, ready to be brought to your table. A human being must put your food together. It takes some time. If you’ve waited 10 minutes for a salad, that’s a bit excessive. If you’ve waited 3 minutes, not so much. So shut the fuck up and appreciate the fact that someone else is making food for you to eat.

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Happy New Year!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Happy New Year and all that shit. I’m here to tell you how I’m going to be starting 2013. You remember how I said I was sooooo happy to be away from my religious family and welcomed my crazy father-in-law with open arms? Fuck. That. I would spend another week with my crazy religious family if it meant avoiding what is now in motion.

My in-laws are coming back home with us. Why? Well, we were a bit stupid. Money is tight this year and we knew my husband’s side of the family couldn’t afford to exchange gifts. My family, however, usually gives gifts even in hard times. We were thinking that they couldn’t possibly get us anything too large, so we opted to drive our Grand Marquis, a full size sedan, instead of our workhorse Expedition in order to save on gas. After all, we thought, we have plenty of trunk room even with our suitcase, and we can let it spill over into the backseat. The dog is in the backseat, but as long as he has one seat to himself he’s fine, and he never chews on anything but his toys. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Continue reading

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Christmas Update

I never thought I would say this, but…after spending the past few days with my family, I think I’m looking forward to seeing my husband’s family. Crazy.

Seriously, though, I love his mom. His dad and sister are kind of fucking annoying, though. Can we just have Christmas with his mom only? That would be much more enjoyable.

I’m wishing we had stayed at home for Christmas right about now.

Why? Take into account the following: Continue reading


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Tuesday Tips (for Twits ) #73

Here’s a tip: We don’t have “vegetables.”

We do have vegetables, though.

Does the menu say anything about us serving vegetables? No, it does not. It says we serve potatoes, broccoli, green beans, or a vegetable medley with your meal. Don’t tell me that you want “the vegetables,” you fucking asshole. PICK ONE. When you say “vegetables” I think “vegetable medley.” Then it gets to the table and you complain that you wanted broccoli. Then say you want fucking broccoli, you dickwad!

I can’t tell you how often this happened. In fact, I’m surprised I haven’t already posted about it. It pissed me off to no end.

“I’ll have the vegetables.”

“Okay, which kind?”

“What do you mean? VEGETABLES.”

“We have broccoli, green beans, and veg—”

“I don’t care, bring me vegetables. How hard is it to just get me vegetables??”

“Alright, vegetable medley it is.”

“Whoa, wait, what is that?”

“It’s a dish of roasted zucchini, yellow squash, tomatoes, and onions.”

“Oh, God, I don’t want that. I said VEGETABLES.”

I wanted to smack every single one of them. Actually, those ARE vegetables. If you want a vegetable you actually like, you should tell me which one you fucking want.

(And since I know some jackass is going to say it, yes a tomato is a fruit. Anything a plant produces that acts as flesh around its seed is a fruit. That means squash is also a fruit. Potatoes, however, are stem tissue, not a fruit. “Vegetable” is a culinary term while a fruit is both a botanical and culinary term. “Vegetable” does not group botanically similar structures together, while “fruit” might, depending on its use. So a tomato is botanically a fruit and, when cooking with it, a vegetable. My gift to you this Christmas is some biology knowledge; you’re welcome and Merry Christmas!)


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Merry Fucking Christmas!

I realize you’ve had little more than Tips for Twits to occupy you in the past few weeks, and I apologize. I want to tell you so much about my new job, the stupid people I’ve already encountered, the cool bosses I have, and the students who have proclaimed that I am the coolest advisor ever. It’s just… by the time I get home at 6pm, I’m hungry. So I make dinner. Then I’m tired and unwind by watching an episode of Star Trek: Voyager or Bones (since Netflix finally got season 7!). Then I need to play with the dog and give him love since he’s been alone all day. By the time I’ve done all that it’s 10pm and I need to go to sleep.

That’s right, folks. I got to bed at 10pm (or as close to it as I can manage) because I have to be awake at 6 in the fucking morning. It’s still dark when I get up. It’s still dark when I drive to work. My body operates on a schedule shifted about 4 hours forward. I operate much better when I get up around 10am and go to sleep around 2am. After so many years of serving, it makes sense. Still, I have a feeling my body will never adjust to rising at such an ungodly hour. Fuck. Continue reading


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Tuesday Tips (for Twits) #72

Here’s a tip: You can’t have something for nothing.

A restaurant is in the business of making money. So, when they run a promotion, the idea isn’t to give you a a good deal. The idea is to give you a deal that will draw you in and make you spend MORE money. That’s the point of the whole business, to take your money! So why the fuck would you think that a restaurant would lose money on your meal?

If I remember correctly, it was the day after Thanksgiving. Red Lobster sent out coupons via email and Facebook for a one-day promotion. Buy one Maine Stay menu item, get the other FREE.  Maine Stay items are new menu items and range from about 9-16 bucks. A buy-one get-one deal was a GREAT deal for guests. That’s why it was one day only, I’m sure you can already guess. Too long a run and they would lose money, yes? But with a one day run maybe you can squeeze enough money via drinks and appetizers to make it worthwhile.

My first guest of the day came in with her husband. He never spoke, but she was very talkative. Asked lots of questions. Continue reading


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Why Am I Surprised?

How do I spend my day now that I’m not slaving over guests at Red Lobster? Imagine…you arrive at work a little early and make yourself a cup of hot tea in the break room. You sit at your desk and check your email for things that need to be done. You spend all morning either seeing students or writing degree plans, which is all in all fairly enjoyable. Some students want you to hold their hands through selecting courses, but others know exactly what they want to do. You get to share in the joys and dreams of some students, but in the next moment you may have to gently crush others’ dreams as you explain that their GPAs are too low to accomplish their goals.

You put out small fires as advisors from satellite campuses email you with questions and problems, but no task is stressful enough to send your heart racing. Around 10am the management encourages everyone to get up, stretch their legs, and take a 5 minute break. In fact, no one will ever question why you aren’t at your desk. You are expected to work hard, but you are not expected to be a slave or a robot. What an odd concept.

Continue reading


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