Tuesday Tips (for Twits) #47

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you THE most annoying thing in the world.

Here’s a tip:  Don’t ask me for bread.  Ever.

Especially if you’re one of those idiots who asks, “Aren’t you going to bring me bread?”  Well, I was going to…but now we’re “out of bread” until a “fresh batch comes out of the oven.”  That means you aren’t getting shit for about ten minutes, just because you pissed me off.

Your bread comes out with your goddamn salads.  I might be nice and bring it with soup, which comes out before the salads unless otherwise requested.  But if you ask me during or right after I finish taking your order, fuck you.  After I take your order, I’m going straight to the kitchen to get your salads and fucking bread!  Had you not asked, you’d have gotten it immediately.  Since you asked, you’re going to fucking wait.

And if you EVER ask for bread before I’ve even gotten your drink order, you can bet your ass that the first time you’ll get bread is halfway through your entrée.  Of course, tables with small children are exempt as long as they ask politely.  I want to shut your crotch spawn up too, so we share a common goal.

If your bread basket is empty, I’ve noticed.  There is no need to wave me down just to tell me.  Sit there and fucking wait until I can bring you a new one.  I automatically bring more bread until the entrées hit the table.  After that, I ask every time it’s empty before bringing more.  I’m not trying to rob you of your free shit.  Heaven forbid.  I’ll even bag you up some bread to-go.  I love doing that because it makes me happy to know the bread will taste like shit once you get home; they are ONLY good fresh.  Enjoy your stale bread, assholes!

I guess the reason this annoys me is because I work here.  You don’t.  I know when I’m supposed to bring the fucking bread.  You obviously don’t.  This isn’t a Mexican food restaurant where you get chips and salsa before the drinks, forcing you to suffer through minutes of agonizing pain once you realize the salsa is not mild.  No, we’re classier than that.  We’d like you to have a beverage on the table and an order in the kitchen before stuffing you full of biscuits (which are 150 calories each, by the way).  So shut the fuck up and wait.  Christ.


Filed under Tuesday Tips

15 responses to “Tuesday Tips (for Twits) #47

  1. Rachel

    I’d feel so tacky being that pushy over free food.

  2. Funny how people stuff themselves with bread before their HUGE entre comes out. . then they eat most of that.

    I’m talking about THEM, of course. I would never eat loaves and loaves of hot salty bread until my lungs collapse from the pressure. . .OK I totally would, but I wouldn’t harrass my server about it.

  3. I have been to your restaurant [in our part of the world, obviously :)] and it is amazing how fast those biscuits always come out. Why would anyone need to ask I wonder – it is as tho’ it is an automatic thing for the staff, so I can see why it would irk you to hear it a bazillion times a night. It would me.

    Although they are yummy – we never finish the first basket because they are high in empty calories and I don’t want to be full when dinner comes – the salad is enough as it is! :)!

    I too don’t understand people that have to “OMG have my FREE NOAW!” It’s bread for good sakes.

  4. I will never, ever understand why people get so fucking nervous over bread. I’ve had people interrupt my introduction to ask me where their bread is when they can actually see the pizziolo baking it from their table. I’m often tempted to give these people a lump of raw dough.

  5. BarB

    The worst is when I ask if I can get them an app and they say no just the bread. That is not an app. It comes with the salad be an adult and wait. I am not going to save bread for myself I have worked for BC for 4 years and never want to see bread again.

  6. Come on, we all know the wait staff hoards the bread, and if it’s not served to customers you all take bags and bags of it home for yourself, it’s really that good. (or your tips were so low you’re surviving off of it)

  7. Great post as usual. But it was a little uncomfortable to read it because it made me feel kind of like i was AT work!

  8. It’s the same at the Spaghetti Western. Yes, I’m going to bring your fucking bread, but I thought maybe you’d like to sit down first. Fuck off.

  9. An Educated Server

    This is why I’m so glad that we don’t do bread service at the Caribbean Cornerstore! We offer garlic toast for pasta dishes (ONLY!) and we have two appetizers that come with a small loaf of Cuban bread for dipping, but aside from that, there is no type of bread service. And I love it! I think we might be the only Schmarden restaurant that doesn’t do bread, and I’m proud to say that I work at that one!

    My first restaurant gig was at a place that served yeast rolls, and it would irritate me so bad for people to interrupt me and ask about the bread. Finally, I started telling people that if they interrupted me during the drink order process, they would have to swallow their spit for the rest of the evening. Spit or bread, you decide. I also hated when teenagers came in and ordered water and rolls…pure craziness…

  10. robin

    They never seem to eat enough bread and then they look stupid as hell when they suggest you bring them a “to-go” container. Like I didn’t that was coming!!

  11. Mike

    But lots of places don’t bring more bread unless you ask… I don’t get what the big deal is in politely asking ‘may i please have more bread’ instead of just assuming the waitress has esp and knows you want more or assuming she’s gonna go get it when she has so much other stuff on her mind.

    i do work in a restaurant as well btw i just think ur kinda crazy.

    I’ve never eaten anywhere that provides a complimentary item without unlimited refills. Ever. Can other readers chime in on this?
    Also, if you really do work in a restaurant then you know it’s your JOB to bring shit out to the table no matter how busy you are or, as you put it, how much is on your mind. Are you ever too busy or have too much on your mind to refill drinks? No? Then why should you ever be too busy to bring bread? I’m thinking that you sound crazy yourself.

    • longtimewaiter

      because drink refills cost money douche. bread is free. and you know the people who want bread after bread arent going to tip well. and its not about people who ask politely. its about the assholes who say they are STARVING and think they are the only people in the resturant. we have more important shit to do then bring you 5 pieces of fucking bread. you clearly missed the point of the article

      Don’t know if it was clear, but I (FMT) respond within the original comment, bolding my words to differentiate them from the OP. I was the one talking about how it’s stupid to assume the server might be too busy to bring bread when it is literally the server’s job to keep bringing you the complimentary items. It’s also my job to bring food and refills, so it stands to reason…if I’m refilling your drinks, I’m going to refill your bread too. That’s why it is so annoying when people ask for refills on drinks OR bread — do they think they know how to do my job better than them? People ask for refills when their glass is still nearly full, as though they think I wouldn’t know to bring one without prompting.

  12. just bob

    God you are one nasty bitch. I don’t treat servers badly to start with but you… Are a major fucked up head case. I feel for your boyfriend. Nasty, much????

    I’m sorry, are you talking to me? Did you just land on this one post and not bother to read the rest of my blog? Obviously not because 1) I’m married, 2) He doesn’t bitch about me because we actually treat each other like human beings, so I don’t know what you “feel” for him, 3) I might be a fucked up head case, but it’s my blog and I bitch about what I want to bitch about, and 4) You’re probably one of the assholes who thinks you don’t treat servers badly, but actually does every annoying thing possible just because you can. Do you snap your fingers? Interrupt your server? Ask for shit that the server has on the tray but hasn’t handed to you yet? Whistle to get their attention? Thought so.

  13. Robert

    @FMT RE Bread.

    On the one hand I have never been to a place where if you finished the bread that came with the salads and ask for more they say, “No! Only one free serving for you!” On the other hand I have never been to a place that automatically brings more bread if you finish it before the entree’s come. At best you might have the server ask if you want more bread but that’s rare.

    I don’t generally eat at chain restaurants so maybe a constant supply of unasked for bread is more common in a corporate type place?

    It is. Because the prices are high and they can afford to stuff you full of bread because that is what corporate places do. Try going to Red Lobster or Olive Garden. Really my issue is when people know I’m bringing them more bread, either because I have already done so or have verbally informed them, who then repeatedly ask for it. No shit, I’m bringing it!

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