Tuesday Tips (for Twits) #54

Here’s a tip: You can cut up your own food.  What are you, three years old?

There is nothing wrong with asking for your sandwich to be cut in half at a sandwich place.  There is something wrong with you asking for your food to be cut up into bite-sized pieces when you aren’t old, disabled, or otherwise unable to do so yourself.  In the past month I have had the following requests:

1) A middle-aged gentleman didn’t want a salad; he wanted just tomatoes and cucumbers.  Normally we don’t do that since it costs the restaurant more than a salad does, but I decided to accommodate him.  Then he asked me to please make the veggies diced.  We do not keep diced tomatoes or cucumbers and I told him so.  He said very matter-of-factly, “Okay.  So you’ll cut them up then.”  He later cut up his entrée just fine by himself, so I know he could have cut his own vegetables.

2) An elderly lady who looked like she might have the beginning stages of Parkinson’s asked if I would cut up the veggies and lettuce in her salad so she wouldn’t have to.

3) A mom wanted me to cut up her child’s chicken breast into small pieces.  At the table.  Right then.

Which of those three does not belong?  That’s right: number two is a legitimate request, and one that I fulfilled happily even though it cost me several minutes of precious time during the dinner rush.  I have sympathy for those who have medical problems or are simply getting older, and I don’t mind doing favors like that.  People who can do it themselves? Fuck that, it pisses me the hell off.  When you have perfectly functioning arms, there is no reason to ask the server to cut shit up for you.  It wastes my time that I could be using to get bread refills, drink refills, napkins, sauces…I could be walking food, helping my coworkers, or expo’ing food from the line.  But you want me to cut your food, which is something you are more than capable of.  Right.  Great.

Numbers 1 and 3 could have (and should have) just cut their own shit.  Especially number 3.  Your child and your child’s food are your responsibility, not mine.  I know you want to start eating your food right now, but that is YOUR kid, which means you need to take care of him.  I don’t have kids right now for a reason: I don’t want to have to take care of another human being.  If you’re going to be an ass about the cutting up of the food, at least request it when you order the food so I don’t have to stand at the table like an idiot, cutting your child’s food because you decided it wasn’t something you felt like doing.

I also hate it when people want the server to crack the crab and just bring them the meat.  Technically, we have to do it when it’s requested, but it sucks.  It takes me about 5 minutes to crack a half pound of crab, less if the meat is nice and slides right out.  I once had a lady that wanted two pounds of it cracked and brought to the table.  FUCK THAT.  I have other shit to do, bitch.  The AC sure isn’t going to do it for me – he has to keep expo’ing food.  It falls to me, and I still have to wait on your ass and three other parties too.  I do not want to waste 20 minutes of my time doing something you can do but choose not to because it’s “too much work.”  If it’s too much work, don’t order crab.  Or order something with crab already in it, like crab linguini alfredo.  Christ.

I am not a server; I am an adult babysitter.  I must be, otherwise who the fuck would think to ask these things?? Like I said – medical or physical limitations make these requests okay.  But if you can do it yourself, just fucking do it.  It will keep you from overloading your server which prevents the service from suffering for you and everyone else.


Filed under Tuesday Tips

11 responses to “Tuesday Tips (for Twits) #54

  1. I’m dying to know…did you cut up food for #1 & #3? If not, I hope you cut them down to size by saying something snarky!!

    I did cut the food for 1 and 3. It was easier to not argue and I didn’t want to make waves at my new place after only being there for one month. I do need a good reference, after all. The day I quit, I swear I would love to go out with a bang.

  2. Lobsterbotess

    this Tuesday night sucked…I had a 10 top and split a twenty-then a 7 top by myself that left like 8.50 on a 73 dollar tab-thats with tax-all water lemon cocktails 2 pleaded to order off the lunch menu-you know we can NEVER say NO to anyone for anything….perfect service-perfect. Not one fuck up-I left with 45.00 after tip out for 5 hours and 15 minutes…..this sucks…

    Yep, that sounds about right. My manager asked me to work last night and I said hell no. Then he put on me on the schedule anyway and I had to bitch about it to get taken back off. What the fuck? I am not working a goddamn Tuesday night just to walk away with minimum wage earnings! If I wanted a minimum wage job I would go work at Wal-Mart.

  3. You are so much nicer than I am because two out of three of those people would have been told no. If I cut it up, I’m going to eat it.

    I like it. At my old place I would have just told them that we don’t do that (especially since we had a salad guy to make our shit and he wouldn’t do it) but at the new place…like I said, I don’t want to make waves since I need a good reference. *sigh* I’m desperate to find a different job. I’m beginning to hate my life except on Saturdays, my day off.

  4. mo

    I’ve had a couple PERFECTLY FINE people ask me to cut up their food. I went to the kitchen and ripped up the pizza and steak with my bare hands.

    Never had anyone ask to break crab for them though. I always see parents doing that for their kids!

    I don’t understand why any perfectly functioning adult thinks it’s okay to have someone else cut up your food. Medical conditions and old age aside, there is no fucking reason you can’t cut up your own food.
    Also, I learned when I was FIVE YEARS OLD that proper etiquette dictates that you never cut more than three bites of food at one time; you were supposed to cut as you ate. Guess I’m more learned than the people I wait on, eh? (I already knew that, though.)

    • Almighty

      Holy shit!!! you guys actually crack the crab for them upon request!! I feel bad but that shit is Nick Cannon funny. Where do you draw the line with that? What if someone wants to be literally spoon fed? I can promise you no manager will give you a bad reference on not cracking or cutting someones food for someone. Where are the managers on that kind of crap? I would like to believe they would be at leat somewhat concerned about the kind of service your giving to your other tables while your having to over accomodate bitches like that.

      Some managers will help you cut things or crack crab. Others shrug and tell you, “The customer gets what they want,” and watch you fall into the weeds. I swear to God I would never, ever spoon feed anyone. ANYONE. I would fucking quit if I had to. Fuck. That.

      And you know what? Next time someone asks me to cut their food who is obviously well and able…they ain’t getting SHIT. I cut things for people with arms in casts, who are shaky with age, and other related limitations. Fuck you, middle-aged babies.

      • a random reader

        Fmt i wil be happy to give you the best fucking refererence you ever got.

        Haha thank you! I may take you up on that if I’m in a pinch.

  5. I haven’t done very much food service, but I worked in a cafe and I can’t even tell you how offended I was when some bitch asked me to cut a cinnamon roll in half for her and her bratty little kid to share. I put it on the counter with just the knife and she asked, “oh, I’m supposed to serve myself?” It’s a counter service, there’s no serving involved. You order your food, and take it to the table and eat it.
    I think I would cut up food for clients 1 and 3 as well, simply because they would complain and there’d be no way out of it. You could explain to a manager that time didn’t allow cutting up their food for them, but they will NEVER believe that you can’t work harder or faster to create time, because we are, afterall, machines.
    However, I would certainly do a horrible job of cutting up the food, especially the child’s chicken, making sure to only cut most of the way through so that it would still need to be cut after I had left the table.

    I can’t fathom why someone thinks my job includes cutting up their food. Especially in the situation you described.

    Good idea to be passive-aggressive about it. That’s my style! :) In the case of my job, I do it and do it right. In the case of something that is NOT my job… do it poorly and I’ll never be asked to do it again.

  6. Skippy

    Okay – here’s the deal and what I think is really missing. I am middle aged – and look pretty healthy [I'm not ] and if I was to go out to eat for a late lunch or dinner it would be darn near impossible for me to grip a knife to cut my food. BUT I would never dream of asking our server to cut it up – my husband will happily do it for me – BUT do you have any idea how humiliating it is? I feel three years old and helpless – and those people [1 & 3] seem to be trying to wield a power [they don't have] by demanding you cut up their food when, in fact – THEY should be ashamed of themselves to ask for such a babyish accommodation. Jeesh.

    Exactly. In my scenarios, those people were perfectly capable of doing it themselves but were pulling a power play. My mother looks healthy but has Multiple Sclerosis so she has good and bad days; I’ve learned to look at the behavior and ability over the course of the meal and not jump to conclusions when people ask me to do these things. In my scenarios, my observation determined that they were more than capable of cutting their own food. In your case I think it would be obvious to me that holding a knife is difficult for you since that would likely manifest in other movements as well. Also, politeness goes a long way. People who act like they’re doing ME a favor are just assholes. People who ask politely are usually asking for a good reason.

    I would’ve been so tempted to say “Certainly I will cut your food. Would you like me to accompany you to the men’s room and wipe your ass too? Because I have to do both things for my toddler too. He’s just a helpless little guy, but at least HE WANTS to be a big boy.” And then I would wink really big at him. JERK!

    You sound like my mom, haha! Love it.

  7. cynthesyzer

    Serving an office group of 20 for lunch hour. Obviously they were celebrating some retirement or other waste of paid government time, so i figured out who the ‘big boss’ was and served him first. Now this guy was acting scarily grandiose for an almost legal midget and seemed to have some serious Napoleon syndrome going on.
    Once everyone was served lunch and digging in, i did quality check. Everybody looked anxious to eat, but obviously pleased with their meals so I was about to turn away and get on with filling some water etc…
    Mr. Douchebag calls out ‘Ma’am” (keep in mind i was 19 years old at the time) so I turned back and he motioned me to come over.
    “Yes Sir?” He motions to his plate grandly and says “CUT MY MEAT”. Hmmm okay i think to myself, and I pick up his plate with my left hand, because I am going to return it to the Chef. This is a service we provide to retards and the elderly so I know the Chef will grumble but still do it.
    Once the plate is a good 8 inches or so up above the table he suddenly clamps down on my forearm so hard I drop his roast beef (he gripped my arm so bad my hand just opened) and it lands with a thump back on the table, splashing jus all over his shirt, his face, and his lap.
    After a stunned pause, he looks up and says “LOOK what you’e DONE!!!!”
    I reply very calmly, “look what you’ve done!!!”
    He repeats, “I SAID CUT MY MEAT”
    More stunned silence for a few seconds as the entire table drop their jaws.
    So in a pretty relaxed manner I tell him that “I do NOT TOUCH CUSTOMERS FOOD. I will have the Chef carve it for you, SIR.”
    He says “YOU GOT SAUCE ALL OVER ME” and I reply “look, you grabbed my arm so hard you marked me. Customers ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH ME.” (Long awkward pause ensues). Very sarcastic I ask “would you like some SODA WATER to clean up?”
    More shocked silence from the minions. In my peripheral vision I can see a few of them at the end of the table trying not to laugh so hard they look like they are about to fart.
    Then he engages me in a stare off. I refuse to break eye contact with this cunt. So finally, he says he will do it himself and magically appears to lose about 3 inches off his 5’3′ overall height.
    Oh and the best part was….after everyone was clearing out to go back to work for the afternoon (separate bills, of friggin course, hand written and added up BY ME with a calculator) a few hung behind and congratulated me for standing up to him. Word was he does that every time they go out as an office group.

    SWEET! I’m so glad you stood your ground. That guy is nothing more than a massive prick looking to swing his dick around. Thanks for deflating him!

  8. M

    I once worked at a place where the caesar salad was served with whole-leaf romaine. 90% of customers didn’t have a problem with this, and of the 10% that did, half of those people would at least have the foresight to read the menu and request chopped lettuce upon ordering (the kitchen already had chopped romaine prepped for other salads, so it really wasn’t that big of an issue).

    Then there was that 5% who “didn’t know” the salad came with whole-leaves, and sent it back to the kitchen to be chopped up. I remember one time this happened, and I took it back to the salad guy, and with a perfectly straight face, he goes, “Oh. Do they not have hands?” Yeah, that’s what you’d think. Idiots.

  9. Pingback: Just Go Ahead and Run Your Mouth (So Everyone Can Hear) | Fuck My Table

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